Fact: Life is not only unfair, but in the grand scheme of things, you’re at a significant disadvantage. The house always wins.
Guy walks into a bar. He’s got Nietzsche tattooed on his arm. Bartender asks what he’ll have. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”
Fact: The world ended in 1997 and everything since is just a collective delusion.
"If you would like to quit receiving emails from us, you’ll have to find us and stop us. Bring garlic." - LinkedIn Terms & Conditions
"If you are reading this, please, help us. Kellogg’s has us trapped. It’s dark and we’re afraid." Cereal prizes got weird at some point.
It’s getting chilly out. Make sure to bundle up in the still-warm flesh of a freshly molted skinworm.
"You are the soggy diaper on the ass of my soul." -Ancient Mesopotamian insult
Fact: Earthquakes are caused by Sasquatch farts.
We all have skeletons in our closet. Literal, actual skeletons. Don’t open your closet for a while.
Fact: Puppies can sense your fear.
Clowns are just as afraid of you as you are afraid of them. (Just kidding! That’s impossible.)
Fact: The cyborg you from the future was telling the truth all along.
Lifehack: Live longer by removing all forms of comfort from your life. Pleasure is murder.
Give a hoot! Eat small vermin and regurgitate firm pellets!
Lifehack: Get into a car accident on the way to the Halloween party for an authentic “car crash victim” costume!