Weird Shit Blog

Because not everything has to make sense.

"Read your article about the mind blowing academic theories, and I feel like I'm trapped in the Allegory of the Cave scenario. I don't know how, but I know that there are greater things than life on this planet. But everyone else seems to live according to the rules which are established and can't wrap their minds about bigger things than wealth and power. )(Such as other dimensions and living in harmony). How did you come up with this article?"

Asked by Anonymous

Well, first of all, I’m sorry about your existential crisis. I guess the good news is that one day, one way or another, it’ll resolve itself. Either you’ll be dead and not care anymore or proven right or wrong by huge leaps in science, right?

I came up with the article because I was thinking about sci-fi stories that are based almost directly on philosophical thought experiments. The original Star Trek had some of this going on, since it was pretty heady stuff. But sci-fi in general lends itself to thought experiments because the author can play with the rules of physics and the like and try to demonstrate exactly how, for example, a brain in a vat experiment might play out. (The Matrix is basically exactly that.)

The editors at Cracked (editor-in-chief Jack O’Brien especially) helped me narrow it down to less hypothetical thought experiments (like brain in a vat or Laplace’s Demon) and focus more on human behavioral experiments, like the Prisoner’s Dilemma (though we did still slide Quantum Immortality and the Ship of Theseus in there).

It also became clearer that those kinds of thought experiments weren’t necessarily limited to just science fiction, but recurred throughout fiction, so it became easier to spot them in all kinds of media. (We went with movies, specifically, because movie articles are far more popular than literature ones.)

So, it was a slow process of finding the right kinds of thought experiments and the movies that best represented them. In fact, it took two years to finally get it published. It was easily my most difficult piece to date.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hello.

The 7 Creepiest Hacks of Popular Video Games

Dear friends: Maxwell Yezpitelok and I have brought you this, my final Cracked article. One last cherry on the insane sundae I’ve been bringing you over the last two and a half years. It’s melted now, and it’s all just kind of a sweet, sticky mush. I hope that’s how you like it.

Thank you, Cracked.com. You’re a beautiful site with beautiful people and I will miss you all!

cracked:


It seemed safer to go with this example over the one where Slimer from Ghostbusters rapes Sam from Transformers and the whole mess concludes with an X-Men scat scene.
The 5 Most Horrific Sex Scenes in Fan Fiction History

#4. Twilight’s Bella and Edward Turn The Price Is Right into Their Personal Sexopolis
[L]iterally everything you reluctantly know about the two is thrown out the window in favor of turning Bella into a game show model and Edward into Drew fucking Carey.
Yes, he’s still named Edward, but he’s no longer a brooding vampire; he’s the new host of The Price Is Right, immediately succeeding Bob Barker, who in real life is more of an immortal undead bloodsucker than Edward ever was. Bella presents Edward with a very specific sexual fantasy: She wants to fuck him on set while playing an X-rated version of the game. Like Bob didn’t think of that first.
As you read on, however, you realize that this is not Bella and Edward porn at all: This is 100 percent The Price Is Right porn where somebody has inserted the Twilight cast in a cynical move to make it more marketable.

Read More

That picture is truly inspired.

Reblogged from cracked

cracked:

It seemed safer to go with this example over the one where Slimer from Ghostbusters rapes Sam from Transformers and the whole mess concludes with an X-Men scat scene.

The 5 Most Horrific Sex Scenes in Fan Fiction History

#4. Twilight’s Bella and Edward Turn The Price Is Right into Their Personal Sexopolis

[L]iterally everything you reluctantly know about the two is thrown out the window in favor of turning Bella into a game show model and Edward into Drew fucking Carey.

Yes, he’s still named Edward, but he’s no longer a brooding vampire; he’s the new host of The Price Is Right, immediately succeeding Bob Barker, who in real life is more of an immortal undead bloodsucker than Edward ever was. Bella presents Edward with a very specific sexual fantasy: She wants to fuck him on set while playing an X-rated version of the game. Like Bob didn’t think of that first.

As you read on, however, you realize that this is not Bella and Edward porn at all: This is 100 percent The Price Is Right porn where somebody has inserted the Twilight cast in a cynical move to make it more marketable.

Read More

That picture is truly inspired.

5 Conspiracy Theories That Are Shockingly Easy to Debunk

It’s a brand new Cracked article from me and Doug McDonnell! It’s also one of my last for Cracked, sadly. (One more to go.) I’ll have plenty of new stuff coming from my new site soon, though!

ZombieChops: I think Saturday morning McDonald's cartoons from the 80s should get a gritty reboot

Reblogged from ddietle

ddietle:

Just imagine, McDonaldland looks like Chicago with brightly colored buildings. Fat children stalk the streets like zombies, looking for their next meal. The Fry Guys are mutilated freaks, actually made out of fries with ketchup blood, they are harvested like crab-claws by ravenous kids, only…

If this isn’t weird shit, I don’t know what is.

Fun fact: When developing the original Xbox, Microsoft surveyed gamers and asked them what they’d like to see in a gaming console, which led to developments like the 12 foot controller cable with a breakaway connector.

When developing the Xbox One, Microsoft once again asked what people would like to see in a gaming console, except this time they asked billion dollar multimedia companies instead.

The Book of Word Records: A Look at Some of the Strangest, Shortest, Longest, and Overall Most Remarkable Words in the English Language: Asher Cantrell: 9781440563300: Amazon.com: Books

My book has a very snazzy new cover AND you can read the first 30 pages for free! It’s funny! I promise!

Observe: A brand new Cracked article with Maxwell Yezpitelok, just for you. Also, it’s one of my last at Cracked. Bummer.
6 Hidden Glitches That Make Famous Video Games Way Better

Observe: A brand new Cracked article with Maxwell Yezpitelok, just for you. Also, it’s one of my last at Cracked. Bummer.

6 Hidden Glitches That Make Famous Video Games Way Better

In Which I Interview Horror Author Douglas F. Warrick

I was asked by the fine folks at Apex Publications to interview Mr. Douglas F. Warrick, esq. regarding his upcoming short story collection, Plow the Bones. 

I’ve talked about books here in the past and had several folks tell me that my recommendations were useful, so here’s another: Go buy Plow the BonesIt is seriously good. Apex isn’t paying me to say that. In fact, they don’t pay me at all. I just think they’re fancy people.

Also, this was my first time conducting an interview and I didn’t fuck it up. Go me! 

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