Because not everything has to make sense.
Observe: A brand new Cracked article with Maxwell Yezpitelok, just for you. Also, it’s one of my last at Cracked. Bummer.
I was asked by the fine folks at Apex Publications to interview Mr. Douglas F. Warrick, esq. regarding his upcoming short story collection, Plow the Bones.
I’ve talked about books here in the past and had several folks tell me that my recommendations were useful, so here’s another: Go buy Plow the Bones. It is seriously good. Apex isn’t paying me to say that. In fact, they don’t pay me at all. I just think they’re fancy people.
Also, this was my first time conducting an interview and I didn’t fuck it up. Go me!
Luna Fortuna wished that I would draw faces on hardboiled eggs. As I am currently a man living alone, it turns out I somehow only have one egg, and I didn’t want to boil just one, so I crammed three faces onto it. (I fed it to my cat after.)
(He’s sad because I drew his mustache badly.)
(Mouth style shamelessly stolen from Donuts for Sharks’ Kevin Axt.)
Wash asked me to name a plant after him. There’s this cool creeping vine outside of my apartment, so its name is now Wash.
Finally, Gartis asked me to sing “The Song That Doesn’t End” for ten minutes. I think that would probably drive me nuts, so I did a dramatic reading of it instead! I haven’t watched it because I’d probably be embarrassed and shit, so here it is:
That should be the last of the public wishes (except one more, which is coming soon). Everyone else asked me for favors like looking at something they were working on or things like that. I’ve contacted all of those people directly!
Okay, I’ve been sitting on this news for a couple of days because I’m terrified that I’ll screw it up somehow and it’ll end up not happening, but here goes.
I’ve been offered a job as a staff writer with a web start-up based out of Brooklyn. It’s quite a bit more than I’m making doing my current security/freelancing combo. I’ll be writing a few weekly feature pieces and daily mini-articles as well.
The site launches on 6/1, but I’ll be starting next month to build up content for the launch. I’ve already put in my notice with my current job, so my last day there will be 5/3 (possibly 5/5 if they need me to work that weekend). No, I won’t be moving to Brooklyn. It’s a remote job. I won’t be moving to Kentucky just yet, either.
The one really big downside is that my contract will have a non-compete clause in it, meaning I’ll be prohibited from freelancing at Cracked and Mental Floss as long as I work there. I’m trying to find out how flexible they are on that, because I really like writing for both sites. (Adams Media isn’t included, nor is Apex, because those aren’t competitors to what this company is trying to do.)
There will be some freelancing opportunities springing up from this company, though, and I will be certain to keep my writer friends abreast (tee hee) of those. They should pay competitive fees to other sites, but I don’t have an exact number yet.
Anyway, my point in telling you all of that is this: I’m really sorry to anyone who donated to my fund under the impression that I would continue writing for Cracked or Mental Floss. I thought that, too. If you’re upset about that, please let me know and I can return your money or donate it to charity, whichever you prefer.
Wish fulfillment will return shortly.
Two more wishes to fulfill today!
Drew Miller asked me to share his awesome stand-up comedy skills with the world. Take five minutes out of your day and watch this hilarious shit.
Jack of All Trades asked me to make a video of myself beatboxing “mods and eds” into a rhythm. I’m too shy to do it myself, so I got Google Translate to do it for me.
I will have more soon!
It’s wish fulfillment time!
Tracy V. asked for a picture of my cat with his head in my shoe. Biscuit the kitten is happy to oblige!
Maxwell Yezpitelok asked for Brad and Jen to get back together. I don’t have that much direct influence on them. I do have some voodoo dolls I got in New Orleans, though!
DrunkOnMystery asked for a drawing of himself wreaking horrible vengeance upon the writing staff of The Walking Dead.
(Side note- I just watched the first season and it seriously goes like this:
Ep. 1 - Must get to Atlanta.
Ep. 2 - Nope, fuck Atlanta.
Ep. 3 - Oops, we gotta go back to Atlanta.
Ep. 4 - Okay, let’s get the fuck out of Atlanta.
Ep. 5 - You guys, I’m thinking of going back to Atlanta.
Ep. 6 - FUCK ATLANTA.)
OrangeEyebrows asked for a picture of what I thought she might look like. Seeing as she’s English and calls herself OrangeEyebrows, I figured my options were few.
SkepticalNumber asked to see a penguin fighting a baby. When I was done, it didn’t quite feel right, so I added a little something.
Sventington asked for a drawing of a scene from “Darker With the Day” by Nick Cave. I’ve never heard that one, unfortunately, so I substituted in my favorite Nick Cave song, “The Mercy Seat”. I hope that is alright, Sven!
Charlotte asked for a drawing of herself riding grumpy cat. I complied, and I just assumed she’d be riding into battle.
I’d also like to add that on the night of March 26, 2013, Davidb Marchetti was with me from the hours of 7pm to 10pm and we were playing real-life whack-a-mole with hobos and stray cats.
Finally, I’ve got some more busted pictures of my car, this time in the daylight. This is what $3,800 worth of damage to a 2004 Pontiac Grand Am looks like:
And lastly, my wife finally got to take some pictures of the 2009 Pontiac G5 (I believe I said it was a 2008 before, but I have been corrected) that I’ll be buying.
Ain’t it fancy?
Okay, that’s all the wishes I can do right now. I will be back with more soon!
I wrote a new article at Mental Floss about sideshow performers! And then I got super sick and couldn’t post about it for a few days!
With a final tally of $3,237, the fund is over! (The overage is from me selling the wrecked car to a salvage yard.)
I am incredibly humbled, grateful, and many other adjectives that mean that you guys are awesome for giving an idiot like me money for a car when there are so many other things that you could spend that on.
I’ll start going through the wishes on Monday, but I have some sad news to report right away: A lot of you didn’t wish for anything. How could you pass up this golden opportunity to watch me try and fail at things? So, I’m trying to think of one big project for everyone. I’m not sure what it’ll be yet. If you’ve got any ideas, let me know!
Once again, thank you all so, so much. I’ll have more updates in the future, since I’m still hunting for a replacement car. You will see what your money has done and it will be cool!