A life covered in mayo is a life lived according to laws laid down by the Sandwich God.
Lifehack: Remake yourself in the image of horrible gods. Your enemies will tremble before you and weep at their oncoming demise.
You’re not losing socks over time. The socks are banding together and taking the other things you lose. Wake up, sheeple.
Fact: On this day in the year 2972, Cyberpresident George Washington declares that all bees are enemies of the state and must be eliminated.
Walt Disney’s head was not cryogenically frozen. However, his heart was. It still beats black blood at the center of Disney’s Dark Vault.
Fact: Stereotypes exist for a reason — bigotry demons.
When you’re at your lowest, just remember that you can only go up from there. Unless you fell into a bottomless pit, that is.
The scariest scene in movie history is when George Lutz can’t find that $1500 in The Amityville Horror. As an adult, it is terrifying.
Well dad gum, my posts didn’t show up for the day because I screwed up my posting method again. I’ll put them both up in the morning and Tumblr will just get four posts for Saturday because you guys are so special.
Listen, I know you and the poltergeist are having problems, but he’s just acting out. Things will work themselves out. Or he’ll kill you.
Hi. One day we will all be eaten by insects, worms, and microscopic entities. Unless you burn yourself to ashes, that is.
It’s my latest Film School Rejects column about a movie I should’ve watched a long time ago! This week is Annie Hall. http://buff.ly/1tNvIBf
I wrote an article about movie curses. See if you can spot the point where I was silenced by the government. http://buff.ly/1lXkmZ9
The ghost in your living room has sunk to new lows. “Fuck off, I’m watching Sons of Anarchy,” it says. You wish you knew an exorcist.
Count Dracula was the original pick up artist.
Did you know that fortune cookies are generated on the spot, just for you? If you open one fast enough, you can see the blank paper inside.
Fact: Everyone knows. They can see it on your face. They’re all watching you.
All good things come to an end, but bad things will go on forever and ever and ever and ever and e
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Or maybe it’s a real emergency. We don’t know. Please panic and soil yourself either way.
Dear internet: How mad would you be if I discontinued my Google+ page? It’s a pain to update and very few people read it.
For sale. Baby shoes. Worn a lot. By a ghost baby.
Missed connection: We were in a formless void for what felt like an eternity. One day you disappeared. Or maybe I did.
Today, your reflection doesn’t look like you. It looks similar, but it’s obviously someone else. No one recognizes you. Not even the cops.
Fact: The old leper who lived behind your school warned you that this day would come.
Yes, you’re still an asshole if you distribute naked pictures of celebrities taken from universes where they aren’t famous.
Time management is the most useful skill at which you will always inevitably fail.
Fact: Cooties are real and you never got rid of them. They’re crawling the inside of your skin now. Don’t scratch. That makes them mad.
When you hear the names of these movies, your immediate response will probably be disgust, but these movie sequels weren’t always so maligned.
This one, too.
Ashe never got to see a ton of modern classics from his youth, so we’re making him watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off as a nostalgia-less adult.
I think I forgot to link to this.
Believe in yourself and you can accomplish anything. Or have others believe in you and start a cult.
Like/favorite/share if you’re afraid of dying alone and you realize that life is fleeting and no one will remember what you did on this day.
If Creationists are right, then any god who makes the platypus is surely not fucking around.
We are made of star stuff. Specifically, we come from the dark, pulsing heart of the universe. Its rage birthed us.
Nature tip: Never go outside because you will get lost and no one will ever find your sun-bleached bones.
When faced with a difficult decision, the choice that causes the most splinter universes is usually the correct one.
You let your dog out and he hasn’t come back in yet. You look for him. A tree near his dog house has the word “Rovertoa” carved in it.
When presented with two women arguing over a child, King Solomon declared they cut it in half. Truth is, he just liked cutting kids in half.
Lifehack: Eat the flesh of the goat. Dream strange dreams.
For further information on any topics we’ve discussed, please check the Forbidden Knowledge section of your home that you never noticed.
Wash yourself in the blood of heathen gods. Hear their commands. Await their movements. Oh, yuck, not those movements. You have a sick mind.
You cannot get blood from a stone. You can, however, get phlegm from petrified wood.
Hey there. I am at DragonCon this year. If you wish to summon me, smear blood on your room key. Or email me. email@example.com
The dame walked in. She was all legs. Dozens of them. She was a centipede.
Lifehack: Get kicked out of a grocery store for pretending that it’s The Mist outside.