Fact: Ordinary, household dust is merely a combination of leftover skin and hair and blood and bones.
They just don’t make sweeping generalizations like they used to.
It’s 9 pm. Do you know where your cyclopean horror is?
Today your keyboard began to sob. Then it began to bleed. You’ve typed such horrible, awful things. It simply couldn’t take any more.
Your new doctor wants to take your blood, but insists on wearing a black robe and chanting. Then there’s what he plans to leave behind…
"Would you like flies with that?" - The McMaggot was doomed from the start.
Tips for an existential crisis: Stop, drop, and roll into a fetal position while muttering about the horrors of coming days.
Your keys are under the bed. She would have said yes if you had asked. No, you won’t get the job. Thank you for calling Information. *click*
Lock your doors this night. The dead walk and they want to know if you’ve heard about their great deals on cable television.
Fact: Under the Skin is a documentary and Scarlett Johansson really does steal people’s insides.
Hey everybody. There’s an update on my short story collection, Other Gods, on IndieGogo. Go read it. http://buff.ly/WoeMTI
Never got to read my book, The Book of Word Records? Now you can on Amazon’s new Kindle Unlimited service for FREE! http://buff.ly/1n708tG
It’s midnight. You’re alone. There’s a knock at the door. it’s just a friendly clown, checking on you. Whew, that could have been scary.
Never judge a book by its cover, unless that book’s cover is made out of pressed feces. Then it’s probably okay to judge.
Yesterday I saw a ghost and shit my pants. Those two things aren’t necessarily related.
Did You Know: Your bed is a portal to the Screaming Blood Dimension. Don’t wake up on the wrong side of THAT.
Fact: The real reason ancient peoples put coins over the eyes of the dead was so they could continue after a game over.
"People change," she said as she metamorphosed into a different person in front of me.
Missed connection: You were lost in the dark. You shouted, but there was no answer. You groped blindly and felt nothing. I was the darkness.
Lifehack: The zombie apocalypse will never happen. Zombies aren’t real. Do something more useful, like preparing for a werewolf apocalypse.
For sale: 100% original angel wings. Must never be taken outside, or the heavens will see what you’ve done and judge you thusly.
The Andy Griffith Show, ep 709: Barney avoids Andy after committing a shocking double murder. Opie tries mescaline for the first time.
"Wait," said Satan. "If God created humans with free will and loves them so much, then am I just his way of being a dick?"
Lifehack: Nothing is stopping you from becoming a supervillain.
Isn’t it weird how a talking bull will come into your dreams and tell you secrets you couldn’t possibly know?
Swiss cheese: Try it in the name of all that’s holy!
Hey kids, make sure you listen for today’s secret words! They are… evisceration, defenestration, and fear-piss.
Lifehack: You’ll never run out of blood if you steal it from sleeping children.
Dear diary, tonight was truly magical. I encountered a necromancer and he blew grave dust in my eyes and turned me into a bleeding skeleton.
Fact: Never trust a talking snake.
Fact: Santa doesn’t care whether you believe in him or not. He’s out for revenge, and you will never stop him.
I Want You… to join our endless blood war with the blind beasts from inside the Earth.
"Uh, excuse me, my eyes are up here. And there. Probably some back here as well." - Your awkwardest conversation with an eyeball monster
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, especially if that first man has a mental illness that makes him throw out actual treasure.