Never bring a knife to a spoon fight. You’ll just look like an asshole.
Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally. She’s really old and racist. She was born in a different time. You know how it is.
Drink this, for it is a craft beer that’s supposed to be good. Eat this, for it is a Whopper. Do this in remembrance of Wednesday.
Fact: Journey’s hit song, “Don’t Stop Believin’” is actually about how all of reality is a thoughtform and we’re the dream of ourselves.
The creature embraces you, slowly runs its pointed tongue down your cheek, and gently whispers, “No homo.”
"You know what would be really hot? Scissoring." She pulls out a pair of freshly sharpened gardening shears.
You can choose one of three doors. Behind each is a horrible death. The moral of this story is never open doors. Just stick to Netflix.
Make sure to lock all doors and windows before leaving the house. You wouldn’t want your summoned devils getting loose.
Did You Know: Houses are born with 200 teeth and can acquire thousands more throughout their lifetimes.
If Nintendo really wanted to mess with people, they’d release Wii Blood Sports.
Please observe all safety procedures when operating the BFG 9000. Never point BFG 9000 at the eyes or face of another. You won’t need to.
Lifehack: Make love AND war.
Fact: Ordinary, household dust is merely a combination of leftover skin and hair and blood and bones.
They just don’t make sweeping generalizations like they used to.
It’s 9 pm. Do you know where your cyclopean horror is?
Today your keyboard began to sob. Then it began to bleed. You’ve typed such horrible, awful things. It simply couldn’t take any more.
Your new doctor wants to take your blood, but insists on wearing a black robe and chanting. Then there’s what he plans to leave behind…
"Would you like flies with that?" - The McMaggot was doomed from the start.
Tips for an existential crisis: Stop, drop, and roll into a fetal position while muttering about the horrors of coming days.
Your keys are under the bed. She would have said yes if you had asked. No, you won’t get the job. Thank you for calling Information. *click*
Lock your doors this night. The dead walk and they want to know if you’ve heard about their great deals on cable television.
Fact: Under the Skin is a documentary and Scarlett Johansson really does steal people’s insides.
Hey everybody. There’s an update on my short story collection, Other Gods, on IndieGogo. Go read it. http://buff.ly/WoeMTI
Never got to read my book, The Book of Word Records? Now you can on Amazon’s new Kindle Unlimited service for FREE! http://buff.ly/1n708tG
It’s midnight. You’re alone. There’s a knock at the door. it’s just a friendly clown, checking on you. Whew, that could have been scary.
Never judge a book by its cover, unless that book’s cover is made out of pressed feces. Then it’s probably okay to judge.
Yesterday I saw a ghost and shit my pants. Those two things aren’t necessarily related.
Did You Know: Your bed is a portal to the Screaming Blood Dimension. Don’t wake up on the wrong side of THAT.
Fact: The real reason ancient peoples put coins over the eyes of the dead was so they could continue after a game over.
"People change," she said as she metamorphosed into a different person in front of me.
Missed connection: You were lost in the dark. You shouted, but there was no answer. You groped blindly and felt nothing. I was the darkness.
Lifehack: The zombie apocalypse will never happen. Zombies aren’t real. Do something more useful, like preparing for a werewolf apocalypse.
For sale: 100% original angel wings. Must never be taken outside, or the heavens will see what you’ve done and judge you thusly.
The Andy Griffith Show, ep 709: Barney avoids Andy after committing a shocking double murder. Opie tries mescaline for the first time.