A life covered in mayo is a life lived according to laws laid down by the Sandwich God.
Lifehack: Remake yourself in the image of horrible gods. Your enemies will tremble before you and weep at their oncoming demise.
You’re not losing socks over time. The socks are banding together and taking the other things you lose. Wake up, sheeple.
Fact: On this day in the year 2972, Cyberpresident George Washington declares that all bees are enemies of the state and must be eliminated.
Walt Disney’s head was not cryogenically frozen. However, his heart was. It still beats black blood at the center of Disney’s Dark Vault.
Fact: Stereotypes exist for a reason — bigotry demons.
When you’re at your lowest, just remember that you can only go up from there. Unless you fell into a bottomless pit, that is.
The scariest scene in movie history is when George Lutz can’t find that $1500 in The Amityville Horror. As an adult, it is terrifying.
Well dad gum, my posts didn’t show up for the day because I screwed up my posting method again. I’ll put them both up in the morning and Tumblr will just get four posts for Saturday because you guys are so special.
Listen, I know you and the poltergeist are having problems, but he’s just acting out. Things will work themselves out. Or he’ll kill you.
Hi. One day we will all be eaten by insects, worms, and microscopic entities. Unless you burn yourself to ashes, that is.
It’s my latest Film School Rejects column about a movie I should’ve watched a long time ago! This week is Annie Hall. http://buff.ly/1tNvIBf
I wrote an article about movie curses. See if you can spot the point where I was silenced by the government. http://buff.ly/1lXkmZ9