The Ashe Cantrell Rips Off Robert Brockway’s “Balls Fund” Fund
Just under two years ago, Cracked.com’s Robert Brockway held a fundraiser because he was having a bunch of financial issues like all of his shit getting stolen and things like that.
I’m in a similar predicament now, so I am stealing Brockway’s idea and phrasing it so that it kinda sounds like I am violently castrating him.
Here’s my story:
On March 16th, I went to a friend’s house for a party. I parked out on the street because I was planning on leaving late and I didn’t want to block anybody in. Around 9:25pm, we heard a thump and screech, at which point we all ran outside to discover that some dude had run into my car (that I just paid off in February, I might add). Not only that, but he was driving drunk and on a revoked license. I couldn’t get his info because they hauled him away to jail.
I filed a claim with my insurance, but I apparently declined the coverage I’d need for them to help me out. (I don’t remember doing that, but since I do it all myself online, I guess I must have.) So, that went nowhere. It took me two weeks to get the police report (it got lost, apparently), but I finally did this week and used the info on there to file a claim with the driver’s insurance company instead.
I just found out this morning that the driver’s insurance had lapsed due to non-payment the day of the accident and so they wouldn’t cover him. I talked to my lawyer and he told me that since it’s only property damage, it’d cost more in court fees than I’d get out of this guy, who apparently does not have a pot to piss in.
I’ve chased a few other, more unusual options, but it’s looking very much like I’m just going to have to eat the cost of either repairing my car (not sure how much that will be yet, but certainly not cheap) or buying a new one if repair isn’t an option.
That’s where this fund comes in. I don’t really want to give you a big sob story of all the things I’ve been through over the last year, but it might give some context. Some of you already know it. The highlights include being separated from my wife for a year this month and living on a sole income (we’re doing fine now, the separation is a financial thing at this point), having a surprise $600 dental procedure sprung on me last month, and now, since I have to deal with this, probably having to delay moving to Kentucky (where my wife is living) for another few months.
Basically, I don’t have the money to cover for the $3,000 car that a drunk dude wiped his ass with, so I’m seeing if maybe some internet strangers (and not-so-strangers) can help. Of course, I am an internet nobody who’s maybe written some stuff you’ve enjoyed in the past. Obviously, whether or not that’s worth anything to you is totally up to you to decide.
I can’t really draw or do any of the cool stuff Brockway did, so I’m going to try something else instead: If you contribute, I will grant you one wish to the best of my ability. Obviously, I am but one man who barely makes over minimum wage, but I can try the best I can to fulfill your request. Want a picture of my cat with his head in my shoe? I will do that. How about a drawing of a pink unicorn? My art skills are laughable, but sure.
I also have some copies of my first book coming in a few weeks. I have a few of those I can sign and pass out (several are already promised to people, but I should still have a dozen or so left over. I may have to think of a system for how that will work, or maybe it will be first-come, first-serve). If you live in or around Nashville, I can do menial chores for you or cook you dinner. I can tell you the funniest jokes I know. I can give you a thanks in my next book. If you want a date with Scarlett Johansson, I will amateurishly Photoshop a picture of the two of you together.
Restrictions: Nothing that will embarrass me too much (I am shy) and nothing that will upset my wife.
So, if you’d like to contribute, you can send donations to PayPal via email@example.com. Just include your wish in the message area and I will do the best I can to fulfill it. I am not a very good genie, however, so don’t be upset if it’s lame.
Also, a pre-emptive thanks to anyone who is willing to help— You are awesome! Thank you!
(PS - If, for some reason, I end up with more money than it costs to fix my car or, by some chance, this guy’s insurance comes through in some unexpected way, I will donate the unused amount to Kiva MicroLoans.)
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