Weird Shit Blog

Read your article about the mind blowing academic theories, and I feel like I'm trapped in the Allegory of the Cave scenario. I don't know how, but I know that there are greater things than life on this planet. But everyone else seems to live according to the rules which are established and can't wrap their minds about bigger things than wealth and power. )(Such as other dimensions and living in harmony). How did you come up with this article?

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 09:08:00 -0500

Well, first of all, I’m sorry about your existential crisis. I guess the good news is that one day, one way or another, it’ll resolve itself. Either you’ll be dead and not care anymore or proven right or wrong by huge leaps in science, right?

I came up with the article because I was thinking about sci-fi stories that are based almost directly on philosophical thought experiments. The original Star Trek had some of this going on, since it was pretty heady stuff. But sci-fi in general lends itself to thought experiments because the author can play with the rules of physics and the like and try to demonstrate exactly how, for example, a brain in a vat experiment might play out. (The Matrix is basically exactly that.)

The editors at Cracked (editor-in-chief Jack O’Brien especially) helped me narrow it down to less hypothetical thought experiments (like brain in a vat or Laplace’s Demon) and focus more on human behavioral experiments, like the Prisoner’s Dilemma (though we did still slide Quantum Immortality and the Ship of Theseus in there).

It also became clearer that those kinds of thought experiments weren’t necessarily limited to just science fiction, but recurred throughout fiction, so it became easier to spot them in all kinds of media. (We went with movies, specifically, because movie articles are far more popular than literature ones.)

So, it was a slow process of finding the right kinds of thought experiments and the movies that best represented them. In fact, it took two years to finally get it published. It was easily my most difficult piece to date.

Oh, hello.

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 15:08:01 -0500

Oh, hello.

The 7 Creepiest Hacks of Popular Video Games

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 08:00:57 -0500

The 7 Creepiest Hacks of Popular Video Games:

These mods are so crazy that they’ll make your brain give up and come flying out of your ass.

Dear friends: Maxwell Yezpitelok and I have brought you this, my final Cracked article. One last cherry on the insane sundae I’ve been bringing you over the last two and a half years. It’s melted now, and it’s all just kind of a sweet, sticky mush. I hope that’s how you like it.

Thank you, Cracked.com. You’re a beautiful site with beautiful people and I will miss you all!

cracked: It seemed safer to go with this example over the one...

Sat, 08 Jun 2013 16:00:34 -0500

cracked:

It seemed safer to go with this example over the one where Slimer from Ghostbusters rapes Sam from Transformers and the whole mess concludes with an X-Men scat scene.

The 5 Most Horrific Sex Scenes in Fan Fiction History

#4. Twilight’s Bella and Edward Turn The Price Is Right into Their Personal Sexopolis

[L]iterally everything you reluctantly know about the two is thrown out the window in favor of turning Bella into a game show model and Edward into Drew fucking Carey.

Yes, he’s still named Edward, but he’s no longer a brooding vampire; he’s the new host of The Price Is Right, immediately succeeding Bob Barker, who in real life is more of an immortal undead bloodsucker than Edward ever was. Bella presents Edward with a very specific sexual fantasy: She wants to fuck him on set while playing an X-rated version of the game. Like Bob didn’t think of that first.

As you read on, however, you realize that this is not Bella and Edward porn at all: This is 100 percent The Price Is Right porn where somebody has inserted the Twilight cast in a cynical move to make it more marketable.

Read More

That picture is truly inspired.

5 Conspiracy Theories That Are Shockingly Easy to Debunk

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 08:37:03 -0500

5 Conspiracy Theories That Are Shockingly Easy to Debunk:

Even among theories like these (which count their believers in the millions), you find that the whole thing is usually based on some embarrassingly simple misunderstanding.

It’s a brand new Cracked article from me and Doug McDonnell! It’s also one of my last for Cracked, sadly. (One more to go.) I’ll have plenty of new stuff coming from my new site soon, though!

ZombieChops: I think Saturday morning McDonald's cartoons from the 80s should get a gritty reboot

Tue, 28 May 2013 18:22:02 -0500

ZombieChops: I think Saturday morning McDonald's cartoons from the 80s should get a gritty reboot:

ddietle:

Just imagine, McDonaldland looks like Chicago with brightly colored buildings. Fat children stalk the streets like zombies, looking for their next meal. The Fry Guys are mutilated freaks, actually made out of fries with ketchup blood, they are harvested like crab-claws by ravenous kids, only…

If this isn’t weird shit, I don’t know what is.

Fun fact: When developing the original Xbox, Microsoft surveyed gamers and asked them what...

Sun, 26 May 2013 00:19:19 -0500

Fun fact: When developing the original Xbox, Microsoft surveyed gamers and asked them what they’d like to see in a gaming console, which led to developments like the 12 foot controller cable with a breakaway connector.

When developing the Xbox One, Microsoft once again asked what people would like to see in a gaming console, except this time they asked billion dollar multimedia companies instead.

The Book of Word Records: A Look at Some of the Strangest, Shortest, Longest, and Overall Most Remarkable Words in the English Language: Asher Cantrell: 9781440563300: Amazon.com: Books

Wed, 15 May 2013 07:53:01 -0500

The Book of Word Records: A Look at Some of the Strangest, Shortest, Longest, and Overall Most Remarkable Words in the English Language: Asher Cantrell: 9781440563300: Amazon.com: Books:

The Book of Word Records: A Look at Some of the Strangest, Shortest, Longest, and Overall Most Remarkable Words in the English Language [Asher Cantrell] on Amazon.com. *FREE* super saver shipping on qualifying offers.

My book has a very snazzy new cover AND you can read the first 30 pages for free! It’s funny! I promise!

Observe: A brand new Cracked article with Maxwell Yezpitelok,...

Tue, 07 May 2013 14:55:19 -0500

Observe: A brand new Cracked article with Maxwell Yezpitelok, just for you. Also, it’s one of my last at Cracked. Bummer.

6 Hidden Glitches That Make Famous Video Games Way Better

In Which I Interview Horror Author Douglas F. Warrick

Fri, 03 May 2013 03:41:42 -0500

I was asked by the fine folks at Apex Publications to interview Mr. Douglas F. Warrick, esq. regarding his upcoming short story collection, Plow the Bones.

I’ve talked about books here in the past and had several folks tell me that my recommendations were useful, so here’s another: Go buy Plow the Bones. It is seriously good. Apex isn’t paying me to say that. In fact, they don’t pay me at all. I just think they’re fancy people.

Also, this was my first time conducting an interview and I didn’t fuck it up. Go me!

Tell everyone about Doug Warrick and Plow the Bones!

I’m Douglas F. Warrick. I started writing professionally in about 2006, that’s when I made my first sale to what was then Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest. It’s always so awkward trying to summarize yourself. That’s what I’ve found most perplexing about this process of PRing this book. You have to find something compelling to say about yourself. I spent the last three years teaching English in Korea, I’ve visited China and Thailand and Japan. I’m putting out this first book, Plow the Bones. It’s a collection of short stories. I’m pretty excited about it. It’s the first thing I’ve released that’s just me. I’ve been in anthologies and magazines and podcasts. This is the first thing I’ve done that’s me between both covers.

You’ve mentioned before that Apex Magazine published your first short. Does their publishing your book feel like a sort of homecoming?

It really does. I can’t imagine putting it out through anyone else. Jason (Sizemore) has been in my corner from the very beginning. He’s been my biggest cheerleader.

“When’s that collection coming out?”

It felt really right to have this come out through him. I feel like I have an affinity with Apex. It feels like family to me.

I’ve noticed religious themes are something you incorporate into several of your stories. Is that a conscious decision, or is religion just something that you find yourself subconsciously compelled to write?

I don’t think that I make a whole lot of conscious decisions when I’m writing. There are some things I try to add when I go back and edit, but for me the process is just sort of exploring my own anxieties. At least, that’s the process when I’m getting it on the page for the first time. I don’t necessarily think “well, I’m going to explore themes of religion in this.” I consider myself an uneasy atheist. I grew up Lutheran and was constantly told I’d be going to hell, and I guess I have a phobia of that. I’m afraid I’m getting it wrong. Now, when I go back and edit, that’s the point where I can see the themes that I’m working with. That’s when I can explore and see “oh, that theme’s been coming up a lot. Can I connect that to another story?”

I think every horror writer, one way or another, has strong feelings about Stephen King and H.P Lovecraft. What are yours?

I don’t know that I love or hate either, but I’m strongly conflicted on both. I think King is an interesting writer because he’s so populist. Sometimes he gets it and sometimes he misses it entirely. I love his Dark Tower books and I love Pet Sematary, that’s a brilliant novel. Sometimes I feel a little pandered to by Stephen King. I feel like he wants us to feel like he’s us and it gets a little obnoxious, and it gets boring to read 400 pages of whatever pop culture thing he’s consuming that day. I do love his stuff and continue to read it though.

I’m so conflicted on Lovecraft because I find his work so… some of what he wrote is legitimately frightening to me. I’m deeply conflicted by his racism. That has always bothered me. I think that it is too frequently hand-waved by his fans. He’s an interesting guy. I find him just, biographically, pretty intriguing. Some of what S.T. Joshi has written about him has been interesting and his correspondence was really cool. I think he was a deeply troubled dude and socially maladjusted and I think that comes through in his fiction. It’s so difficult to separate Lovecraft the writer from Lovecraft the person, and that’s where I’m conflicted with him.

What else are you working on at the moment?

I’m working on a couple of different things. I have a novel in progress called We Three Slayers of Beasts, which is sort of a surreal crime novel that I’m hoping to finish up quickly here. My list of works in progress is far too long. I’ve got a second work-in-progress novel called the Memento Mori Year, which is set in Korea. Maybe a half-dozen short stories, maybe like four of which I’ll finish. That’s kind of the extent of things I’m working on that aren’t connected to Plow the Bones or its promotion.

You are in a dark forest. You come to a fork in the path. One way leads to a blind dog who will lead you to a cave in which you can learn one secret you’ve always wanted to know, but you don’t get to choose which secret. The other way leads to a tree with an axe stuck in it. The axe will tell you any person’s sins, but if you use it, you are obligated to kill them with the axe if the sins are bad enough. Which path do you take?

I’m going with the dog on that one. Yeah. I don’t think I have it in me to kill anyone. I’d rather have some deep dark secret revealed to me.

If that episode of The Twilight Zone where Burgess Meredith is the last man alive (where he has the stacks of books, but breaks his glasses before he can start reading them) were to really happen, what do you think the chances are that he would select Plow the Bones as one of his books?

100%. Everyone’s gonna read this thing. No, I’m gonna guess that old Mr. Meredith was probably not big on weird, experimental neurotic nonsense. Probably pretty low. If it were in the stack, I’d hope he’d at least get through a couple of stories before his specs fell off.

Anything else to add?

Please go check out Plow the Bones. I hope everyone who reads this is compelled to pick it up and that they enjoy it when they do so.

Even more wish fulfillment!

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 10:10:06 -0500

More wishes!

Luna Fortuna wished that I would draw faces on hardboiled eggs. As I am currently a man living alone, it turns out I somehow only have one egg, and I didn’t want to boil just one, so I crammed three faces onto it. (I fed it to my cat after.)

(He’s sad because I drew his mustache badly.)

(Mouth style shamelessly stolen from Donuts for Sharks’ Kevin Axt.)

Wash asked me to name a plant after him. There’s this cool creeping vine outside of my apartment, so its name is now Wash.

Finally, Gartis asked me to sing “The Song That Doesn’t End” for ten minutes. I think that would probably drive me nuts, so I did a dramatic reading of it instead! I haven’t watched it because I’d probably be embarrassed and shit, so here it is:

That should be the last of the public wishes (except one more, which is coming soon). Everyone else asked me for favors like looking at something they were working on or things like that. I’ve contacted all of those people directly!

Important Fundraiser Update

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 05:27:13 -0500

Okay, I’ve been sitting on this news for a couple of days because I’m terrified that I’ll screw it up somehow and it’ll end up not happening, but here goes.

I’ve been offered a job as a staff writer with a web start-up based out of Brooklyn. It’s quite a bit more than I’m making doing my current security/freelancing combo. I’ll be writing a few weekly feature pieces and daily mini-articles as well.

The site launches on 6/1, but I’ll be starting next month to build up content for the launch. I’ve already put in my notice with my current job, so my last day there will be 5/3 (possibly 5/5 if they need me to work that weekend). No, I won’t be moving to Brooklyn. It’s a remote job. I won’t be moving to Kentucky just yet, either.

The one really big downside is that my contract will have a non-compete clause in it, meaning I’ll be prohibited from freelancing at Cracked and Mental Floss as long as I work there. I’m trying to find out how flexible they are on that, because I really like writing for both sites. (Adams Media isn’t included, nor is Apex, because those aren’t competitors to what this company is trying to do.)

There will be some freelancing opportunities springing up from this company, though, and I will be certain to keep my writer friends abreast (tee hee) of those. They should pay competitive fees to other sites, but I don’t have an exact number yet.

Anyway, my point in telling you all of that is this: I’m really sorry to anyone who donated to my fund under the impression that I would continue writing for Cracked or Mental Floss. I thought that, too. If you’re upset about that, please let me know and I can return your money or donate it to charity, whichever you prefer.

Wish fulfillment will return shortly.

More Wish Fulfillment!

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 08:49:13 -0500

Two more wishes to fulfill today!

Drew Miller asked me to share his awesome stand-up comedy skills with the world. Take five minutes out of your day and watch this hilarious shit.

Jack of All Trades asked me to make a video of myself beatboxing “mods and eds” into a rhythm. I’m too shy to do it myself, so I got Google Translate to do it for me.

I will have more soon!

Wish Fulfillment, Part 1 of X

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 11:43:29 -0500

It’s wish fulfillment time!

Tracy V. asked for a picture of my cat with his head in my shoe. Biscuit the kitten is happy to oblige!

Maxwell Yezpitelok asked for Brad and Jen to get back together. I don’t have that much direct influence on them. I do have some voodoo dolls I got in New Orleans, though!

DrunkOnMystery asked for a drawing of himself wreaking horrible vengeance upon the writing staff of The Walking Dead.

(Side note- I just watched the first season and it seriously goes like this:

Ep. 1 - Must get to Atlanta.

Ep. 2 - Nope, fuck Atlanta.

Ep. 3 - Oops, we gotta go back to Atlanta.

Ep. 4 - Okay, let’s get the fuck out of Atlanta.

Ep. 5 - You guys, I’m thinking of going back to Atlanta.

Ep. 6 - FUCK ATLANTA.)

OrangeEyebrows asked for a picture of what I thought she might look like. Seeing as she’s English and calls herself OrangeEyebrows, I figured my options were few.

SkepticalNumber asked to see a penguin fighting a baby. When I was done, it didn’t quite feel right, so I added a little something.

Sventington asked for a drawing of a scene from “Darker With the Day” by Nick Cave. I’ve never heard that one, unfortunately, so I substituted in my favorite Nick Cave song, “The Mercy Seat”. I hope that is alright, Sven!

Charlotte asked for a drawing of herself riding grumpy cat. I complied, and I just assumed she’d be riding into battle.

I’d also like to add that on the night of March 26, 2013, Davidb Marchetti was with me from the hours of 7pm to 10pm and we were playing real-life whack-a-mole with hobos and stray cats.

Finally, I’ve got some more busted pictures of my car, this time in the daylight. This is what $3,800 worth of damage to a 2004 Pontiac Grand Am looks like:

And lastly, my wife finally got to take some pictures of the 2009 Pontiac G5 (I believe I said it was a 2008 before, but I have been corrected) that I’ll be buying.

Ain’t it fancy?

Okay, that’s all the wishes I can do right now. I will be back with more soon!

16 Completely Inappropriate Things Hidden in Video Games

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 21:38:06 -0500

16 Completely Inappropriate Things Hidden in Video Games:

Until very, very recently, adult themes like nudity and alcohol abuse were a huge no-no in video games… which is probably why game designers spent so much time hiding those things. And yet we found them anyway.

So I wrote my very first article at Topless Robot with Maxwell Yezpitelok and we (meaning I) accidentally ripped off the creator of Abobo’s Big Adventure. It’s fixed now, though!

I wrote a new article at Mental Floss about sideshow performers!...

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 04:34:11 -0500

I wrote a new article at Mental Floss about sideshow performers! And then I got super sick and couldn’t post about it for a few days!

Fund update!

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 07:40:35 -0500

With a final tally of $3,237, the fund is over! (The overage is from me selling the wrecked car to a salvage yard.)

I am incredibly humbled, grateful, and many other adjectives that mean that you guys are awesome for giving an idiot like me money for a car when there are so many other things that you could spend that on.

I’ll start going through the wishes on Monday, but I have some sad news to report right away: A lot of you didn’t wish for anything. How could you pass up this golden opportunity to watch me try and fail at things? So, I’m trying to think of one big project for everyone. I’m not sure what it’ll be yet. If you’ve got any ideas, let me know!

Once again, thank you all so, so much. I’ll have more updates in the future, since I’m still hunting for a replacement car. You will see what your money has done and it will be cool!

What the Violence in Bioshock: Infinite Teaches Us About Genre Fiction

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 08:30:42 -0500

What the Violence in Bioshock: Infinite Teaches Us About Genre Fiction:

I wrote a thing for Apex’s blog and it’s about how video games and genre fiction don’t get enough love.

Hey, so, while everyone’s doing me favors this week, how about we do some favors for other...

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 00:49:56 -0500

Hey, so, while everyone’s doing me favors this week, how about we do some favors for other people, too?

First off, my good friend Kathy Benjamin recently released a book called Funerals to Die For. It’s not doing so hot, sales-wise, but I think it’d be a big hit with people who like the kinds of stuff I enjoy writing. After all, it’s about death and funerals and creepy stuff! Also, it’s just ~$10 and looks fantastic on a bookshelf or coffee table. Please pick up a copy so Kathy doesn’t feel so sad.

Second, two of my favorite sites to write for are up for Webbys! Mental_Floss is up for Best Culture Blog and Cracked.com is up for Best Humor Site! These are voter-decided awards, so if you like either or both of them, make sure you go and vote. Maybe if they both win they’ll stop locking their writers in the basement and whipp—

ASHE IS NOT FEELING WELL RIGHT NOW. HE WILL BE BACK LATER.

It’s day four and only $683 remain until we hit the goal. Even if it stays where it is,...

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 06:25:55 -0500

It’s day four and only $683 remain until we hit the goal. Even if it stays where it is, though, this is still a hundred times further than I ever thought this would go.

Thank you so much, not just to those who have donated, but those who have offered advice and support and even just good vibes, too. You all know how to make a flesh demon feel special.

Weird Shit Blog

Oh, hello.

The 7 Creepiest Hacks of Popular Video Games

cracked: It seemed safer to go with this example over the one...

The 5 Most Horrific Sex Scenes in Fan Fiction History

#4. Twilight’s Bella and Edward Turn The Price Is Right into Their Personal Sexopolis

5 Conspiracy Theories That Are Shockingly Easy to Debunk

ZombieChops: I think Saturday morning McDonald's cartoons from the 80s should get a gritty reboot

Fun fact: When developing the original Xbox, Microsoft surveyed gamers and asked them what...

The Book of Word Records: A Look at Some of the Strangest, Shortest, Longest, and Overall Most Remarkable Words in the English Language: Asher Cantrell: 9781440563300: Amazon.com: Books

Observe: A brand new Cracked article with Maxwell Yezpitelok,...

In Which I Interview Horror Author Douglas F. Warrick

Even more wish fulfillment!

Important Fundraiser Update

More Wish Fulfillment!

Wish Fulfillment, Part 1 of X

16 Completely Inappropriate Things Hidden in Video Games

I wrote a new article at Mental Floss about sideshow performers!...

Fund update!

What the Violence in Bioshock: Infinite Teaches Us About Genre Fiction

Hey, so, while everyone’s doing me favors this week, how about we do some favors for other...

It’s day four and only $683 remain until we hit the goal. Even if it stays where it is,...

**#4. Twilight’s Bella and Edward Turn The Price Is Right into Their Personal Sexopolis**